testosterone troubles
(Hi. ヾ( ‘ – ‘*) Long time no see. I wanna post on Bearblog again, so here I am.)
TW: talk of chronic illness, chronic pain, transition complications, dysphoria-inducing content, use of slurs, etc.
1.
I went to the LGBT clinic a few weeks ago. My T levels were low last time they were checked, so we forewent another test. My NP asked if I wanted to try going back up to 4mL injections; I said yes.
I've already been on 4mL injections once--back in 2023, at the onset of my PFD and IC1 symptoms, after which I dropped down to 2mL and stayed there for about a year. Once my symptoms were manageable I went back up to 3mL.
I'm on my second week of 4mL injections. I did my shot a couple days ago, so my T levels are peaking right now. I fell asleep with my kitties before work today--when I woke up, I was gripped with awful muscle pain that would no let go. It's stuck around, on and off, for the entire night.
It felt exactly the same as it did three years ago. I've kind of been in a tailspin ever since--triggered and transported right back to where I was during my symptom onset, trapped in debilitating pain without any relief.
I'm not sure if it's just due to stress/anxiety. I've been paranoid about a flare up since going up a dose, so it could be a self-fulfilling placebo. But it's hard to keep my cool when I've got chronic pain/illness conditions that could worsen at a moment's notice.
2.
I have two options. Neither are all that appealing.
- I go back down to 3mL injections and remain stuck at lower T levels with slower masculinizing effects (if any at all)
- I stay on 4mL and go back to using local estrogen, constantly balancing my chronic illness against my transition goals
3.
I've noticed my energy levels and moodswings have improved on the 4mL injections (although the mental/physical drop-off once my next shot day rolled around seemed worse). Not only that, but my mustache is suddenly growing in thicker. I could just be imagining things, but it really does feel like there's been improvements.
In any case, the knowledge that I was on a higher dose put me at ease. Sometimes dysphoria is more abstract; just knowing that I've got more testosterone in my body helps a lot, in a way that I can't really put into words.
4.
But now here I am--in pain again.
I guess I thought all this stuff was behind me. Random flare ups, worrying about my T levels throughout the week, and trying to manage my pain. I spent months taking muscle relaxers and using local estrogen. Experimenting with random supplements and minerals. Trying to belly-breathe through gritted teeth and angry tears. It felt like plugging holes in a sinking boat.
The fact that I was able to turn things right side up again is astounding--so to backslide like this is really difficult. I guess part of me feels like I've "failed" somehow.
This is my ultimatum: continue taking testosterone at a higher dose while managing dysphoria-inducing symptoms--or take a lower dose and deal with the dysphoria that comes from having low T.
5.
Local estrogen is the mainstay against these symptoms when T levels get too high. It comes in a cream or tablet form. The cream never worked for me so I switched to tablets, which were effective.
They're local suppositories. Inserting them kind of sucks ass. Buying them is worse.
The platic applicators come in large blister-packs in a bag labeled "ESTRODIAL 10 MCG VAGINAL TAB. INSERT 1 TABLET VAGINALLY 2 TIMES A WEEK."
The pharmacist might as well stamp my forehead with TRANNY in red ink. Let the entire world know that I have a mangina.
The last time I picked them up there was a different pharmacist in covering for the usual guy. So somebody unfamiliar with me. When he bagged up my prescriptions he mentioned something about the estrogen tablets, saying "tell her" yadda yadda yadda--then looked at the label, up at me, back at the label, and said: "Err, whoever's these are."
Picking up my testosterone is different. It provides plausible deniability--cis men do T injections too. And if I'm not looking for a cover-up, there's a certain level of pride in it--"Yes, I am on testosterone! That's mine!"
Let's just say I'm not proud to pick up my mangina pills. I actually hate it. It makes me feel so gross and weird. I worry about people overhearing or seeing my prescription. I brace myself to get misgendered. I wonder if the pharmacy staff are wondering about what's between my legs, and if it cancels out everything else that makes me a man.
6.
I kept waffling back and forth on this all night long. But I think I'm going to stick with the 4mL and just tough out using local estrogen.
I've spent three years moderating my transition. I need my T to reach a higher level--the same level as a cis man's. I felt so much better the first week and a half. It's only once this pain came back that I got really nervous and started feeling anxious/insecure again.
7.
I know I'll never get back to normal. I just want to get better. Living with chronic illness and pain, "better" always comes with unpleasant caveats.
✘ Originally posted on — 02/10/26
✘ Main site location — https://xavierhm.com/notebook/notes/testosterone-troubles
Footnotes
Pelvic Floor Dysfunction and Interstitial Cystitis.↩