A place to jot down errant notes, thoughts, and ideas throughout my day.
To see the rest of my notebook, click here.
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notes on the Benjamin SOS transsexuality scale
I've been engaging in digital self harm recently jumping into trans debates on reddit lol. I wrote out this whole wall of text and figured it was substantial enough to post on my site, too.
There was a post about the "real" definition of transsexuality and whether or not bottom surgery is a requirement. Someone quoted Harry Benjamin, the sexologist who literally pathologized transsexuality and established gender-affirming care in the US. He wrote The Transsexual Phenomenon, the first clinical text on trans people to be widely read in America; I went ahead and skimmed through it over the course of an hour (it's only a little over 100 pages).
Please note that this is in no way, shape, or form meant to constitute as a proper analysis of this text, or a finalized version of my own interpretation of either Benjamin's ideas or my personal definition of transsexuality. Detailed below are just some initial thoughts on a specific part of The Transsexual Phenomenon--specifically Benjamin's "Sex Orientation Scale", which he deployed to conceptualize transsexuality as opposed to transvestism--which I would substitute with gender non-conformity in a modern context.
I've wanted to study this text for ages now anyway; at some point in the future I'll read it in full and write up notes on everything, which I will collect into a proper blog post. For now here's...whatever this is lol.
Disclaimer: The below excerpts (and the majority of The Transsexual Phenomenon itself) only reference male "transvestites" and MTFs; there is a chapter later in the text dedicated to female transvestites and FTMs, which--of course--lacks the same amount of clinical study and documentation.1
this comment made me download a pdf of the transsexual phenomenon
benjamin created a table he called the SOS or "sex orientation scale". it illustrated the gradient between transvestism and transsexuality on a scale from 1-6. (in a modern context, i would replace transvestism with gender-nonconformity, i.e. non-transitioning)
the last three types fit under his definition of transsexual.
- pseudo TV
- fetishistic TV
- true TV
- nonsurgical TS
- moderate intensity TS
- high intensity TS
he transposed this scale onto a previous diagnostic metric:
- group 1 for transvestites (types 1-3 on the SOS)
- group 2 for those who may be considered either partially transvestic or partially transsexual, depending upon their symptoms and response to therapeutic treatments (cross-dressing to treat transvestism versus HRT to treat transsexuality) (types 4-5 on the SOS)
- group 3 for transsexuals who undergo srs (types 5-6 on the SOS)
he enumerates each type of transsexual, and its corresponding location in his previous metric, as such:
A low degree of largely unconscious transsexualism can be appeased through cross-dressing and demands no other therapy for emotional comfort. These are transvestites (Group 1).
A medium degree of transsexualism makes greater demands in order to restore or maintain an emotional balance. The identification with the female cannot be satisfied by wearing her clothes alone. Some physical changes, especially breast development, are requirements for easing the emotional tension. Some of these patients waver between transvestitic indulgences and transsexual demands for transformation (Group 2).
For patients of a high degree of transsexualism (the "true and full- fledged transsexual"), a conversion operation is the all-consuming urge, as mentioned earlier and as a later chapter will show still more fully. Cross-dressing is an insufficient help, as aspirin for a brain tumor headache would be (Group 3).
benjamin admits to a gradient of transsexualism, though it is unclear how he measured each level of severity. he only really focuses on the sixth type, probably as it is the easiest to illustrate clinically.
it is obvious upon study that the "line" between transvestism (or gender non-conformity) and transsexuality lies within the transformative nature of transition.
he later talks about different case studies. "high intensity" transsexuals all transitioned to the opposite sex and had surgery, but he also places a great deal of emphasis on post-transition life and living as the opposite sex. additionally, of the case studies that were deemed to be low intensity or transvestites, none of them lived outwardly or pursued a full MTF/FTM social/legal transition.
so according to his diagnostic criteria, surgery plays a part in transsexuality and can certainly account for a large portion of its clinical justification, but living as the opposite sex legally, emotionally, and psychologically is just as important and is equally clinically relevant.
it can be assumed that HRT and the transformation of secondary sex characteristics, insofar as they enable someone to live as the opposite sex, also apply here--which is what i reckon he envisioned when speaking of group 2's "transsexual demands for transformation".
in my interpretation, i would probably divide group 2 into two subcategories: "tranvestites" or gender non-conformists who undergo HRT etc for personal, social, or cosmetic reasons, and exhibit GNC behavior on a temporary and/or conditional basis; and transsexuals who undergo medical transition to live as the opposite sex, but refrain from bottom surgery.
furthermore, he repeatedly clarifies that these typings are not set in stone, and that most patients exist between each type.
It must be emphasized again that the remaining six types are not and never can be sharply separated. The clinical pictures are approximations, schematized and idealized, so that the TV and TS who may look for himself among the types will find his own picture usually in between two recorded categories, his principal characteristics listed in both adjoining columns.
[...] It should be noted again, however, that most patients would fall in between two types and may even have this or that symptom of still another type.
with this reading in mind, i would say that transsexuality rests upon gender dysphoria and transitioning social and medically to live as the opposite sex; bottom surgery (or lack thereof) indicates either moderate/high intensity.
✘ Originally posted on — 02-26-26
✘ Main site location — xavierhm.com/notebook/notes/benjamin-transsexuality-scale
"It is probably very unfair to devote only one chapter in this volume to the female transsexual: unfair because her emotional problem is in every way as serious as that of her male counterpart. However, the frequency of female transsexualism is considerably less than that of the male. While the clinical experiences described in the preceding pages are based on 152 cases of male transsexualism, the female transsexuals here reported number only twenty (by the end of 1964). Even so, sometime in the future she may merit a book devoted to her alone." (See: FTM: Female-to-Male Transsexuals in Society by Aaron Devor.)↩
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testosterone troubles
(Hi. ヾ( ‘ – ‘*) Long time no see. I wanna post on Bearblog again, so here I am.)
TW: talk of chronic illness, chronic pain, transition complications, dysphoria-inducing content, use of slurs, etc.
1.
I went to the LGBT clinic a few weeks ago. My T levels were low last time they were checked, so we forewent another test. My NP asked if I wanted to try going back up to 4mL injections; I said yes.
I've already been on 4mL injections once--back in 2023, at the onset of my PFD and IC1 symptoms, after which I dropped down to 2mL and stayed there for about a year. Once my symptoms were manageable I went back up to 3mL.
I'm on my second week of 4mL injections. I did my shot a couple days ago, so my T levels are peaking right now. I fell asleep with my kitties before work today--when I woke up, I was gripped with awful muscle pain that would no let go. It's stuck around, on and off, for the entire night.
It felt exactly the same as it did three years ago. I've kind of been in a tailspin ever since--triggered and transported right back to where I was during my symptom onset, trapped in debilitating pain without any relief.
I'm not sure if it's just due to stress/anxiety. I've been paranoid about a flare up since going up a dose, so it could be a self-fulfilling placebo. But it's hard to keep my cool when I've got chronic pain/illness conditions that could worsen at a moment's notice.
2.
I have two options. Neither are all that appealing.
- I go back down to 3mL injections and remain stuck at lower T levels with slower masculinizing effects (if any at all)
- I stay on 4mL and go back to using local estrogen, constantly balancing my chronic illness against my transition goals
3.
I've noticed my energy levels and moodswings have improved on the 4mL injections (although the mental/physical drop-off once my next shot day rolled around seemed worse). Not only that, but my mustache is suddenly growing in thicker. I could just be imagining things, but it really does feel like there's been improvements.
In any case, the knowledge that I was on a higher dose put me at ease. Sometimes dysphoria is more abstract; just knowing that I've got more testosterone in my body helps a lot, in a way that I can't really put into words.
4.
But now here I am--in pain again.
I guess I thought all this stuff was behind me. Random flare ups, worrying about my T levels throughout the week, and trying to manage my pain. I spent months taking muscle relaxers and using local estrogen. Experimenting with random supplements and minerals. Trying to belly-breathe through gritted teeth and angry tears. It felt like plugging holes in a sinking boat.
The fact that I was able to turn things right side up again is astounding--so to backslide like this is really difficult. I guess part of me feels like I've "failed" somehow.
This is my ultimatum: continue taking testosterone at a higher dose while managing dysphoria-inducing symptoms--or take a lower dose and deal with the dysphoria that comes from having low T.
5.
Local estrogen is the mainstay against these symptoms when T levels get too high. It comes in a cream or tablet form. The cream never worked for me so I switched to tablets, which were effective.
They're local suppositories. Inserting them kind of sucks ass. Buying them is worse.
The platic applicators come in large blister-packs in a bag labeled "ESTRODIAL 10 MCG VAGINAL TAB. INSERT 1 TABLET VAGINALLY 2 TIMES A WEEK."
The pharmacist might as well stamp my forehead with TRANNY in red ink. Let the entire world know that I have a mangina.
The last time I picked them up there was a different pharmacist in covering for the usual guy. So somebody unfamiliar with me. When he bagged up my prescriptions he mentioned something about the estrogen tablets, saying "tell her" yadda yadda yadda--then looked at the label, up at me, back at the label, and said: "Err, whoever's these are."
Picking up my testosterone is different. It provides plausible deniability--cis men do T injections too. And if I'm not looking for a cover-up, there's a certain level of pride in it--"Yes, I am on testosterone! That's mine!"
Let's just say I'm not proud to pick up my mangina pills. I actually hate it. It makes me feel so gross and weird. I worry about people overhearing or seeing my prescription. I brace myself to get misgendered. I wonder if the pharmacy staff are wondering about what's between my legs, and if it cancels out everything else that makes me a man.
6.
I kept waffling back and forth on this all night long. But I think I'm going to stick with the 4mL and just tough out using local estrogen.
I've spent three years moderating my transition. I need my T to reach a higher level--the same level as a cis man's. I felt so much better the first week and a half. It's only once this pain came back that I got really nervous and started feeling anxious/insecure again.
7.
I know I'll never get back to normal. I just want to get better. Living with chronic illness and pain, "better" always comes with unpleasant caveats.
✘ Originally posted on — 02/10/26
✘ Main site location — https://xavierhm.com/notebook/notes/testosterone-troubles
Footnotes
Pelvic Floor Dysfunction and Interstitial Cystitis.↩
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Might be time to bid bearblog goodbye
I plan on writing a longer post about all of it, but in the past week or so I've rewritten my entire website in Astro and it's been a breeze. I can even update my site directly from my terminal now. You really can't beat that.
As much as I appreciate Bearblog as a platform and the friends I've made here, I'm considering moving my blog to my website. The idea of being able to write up a post and publish it all within Sublime Text and my terminal sounds awesome. I've also felt limited recently by the CSS customization on Bearblog. Being able to throw everything into my pre-made website layouts would be awesome, too.
We'll see. I'm still thinking about it. But I'll probably end up making the switch at some point.
Part of the reason why I haven't been blogging as much is because I'm so busy with my webdev stuff on Nekoweb. Juggling two different platforms is hard.
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on the random saxophone cover album I bought from Goodwill, nearly a decade later
I bought a random saxophone CD from Goodwill when I was like 19. This was at the height of my stoner phase, when me and my friends were all into "irony" and thrifting tons of garbage clothes and knickknacks.
The CD was another one-off gag purchase, but I actually loved it. I recently digitized my CD collection and came across it again. I've been playing it non-stop.
It came in a standard, third-party CD case. The kind you'd put all your burnt CDs in, with a paper slip for handwritten tracklists. So I never knew much about it. After some quick internet sleuthing upon writing this post, I discovered that it's volume two of a three-part series. Maybe one day I'll hunt down the other two CDs.
It's a really great compilation of covers, ranging from golden oldies to cheesy 80s songs. Here's the MusicBrainz info and the Discogs page. It's a real shame it doesn't show up on Last.fm; I've love to see how often I've played it lol.
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Blaugust???
I was reading this post from binarydigit.city and came across this link to something called Blaugust.
I've missed blogging, but I haven't found the right motivation to get back into it. I think this might just be what I need!
In other news, I've started learning how to build my websites through Astro. I've never used an SSG before and I like it a lot. Astro supports Markdown, so I might build a blog on my website, too. Having everything local on my PC and built with one quick command is really appealing. But, I do enjoy Bearblog as a platform still, and I really like the community! (I've also put so much work into my CSS here that it's become something of a sunken cost fallacy...lol.)
Decisions, decisions... I might just do certain blog posts on my site, and leave the bulk here. I've seen a lot of cute "diary" pages that I think I'd like to use for my journal entries. I also want to archive some of my featured posts in a more readable, no-frills format.
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kicking it old school at the library
kicking it old school at the library with my CD player; currently spinning HIT ME HARD AND SOFT by Billie Eillish. It's my go-to productivity soundtrack. Hoping to do some coding and writing.
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my wife and I maybe want kids????
Both my wife and I have been dreaming about having kids recently, and our conversations surrounding the topic are becoming less "haha, isn't that weird?" to something more serious.
Neither of us ever intended on having children, and when we got together we were both up front with that choice. But the more we entertain the idea, the more it weighs on us.
I was grocery shopping today and noticed a father with three little girls; I'm seeing things like that in a whole new light, now. I never wanted to have kids. But I could see myself wanting them with my wife.
Brains are weird. We're both nearly 30. Maybe this is our bodies' way of spurring us on to procreate. Or maybe two years of a very happy and successful marriage have opened our hearts to possibilities we previously denied ourselves.
In any case, we won't make any decisions now. And even if we were to have children, we probably wouldn't have them for another five to ten years. But it's nice to think about sometimes. The idea of raising a child together, seeing my wife become a mother, becoming a father myself, and starting a family together is growing more appealing. But we could do just as well getting a new puppy and traveling the world together.
I know for a fact that my little sister will be trying for a kid within the next year or so. Probably best to wait and see how that plays out.
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The spiritual power of women in dharma
I've had some thoughts about my Buddhist practice percolating in my mind recently. To express them without first explaining what my practice is would be foolhardy; yet finding the time to sit down and write about my faith and my journey toward it has been incredibly difficult! (Especially when considering I've now identified as some form of Buddhist for 10+ years!)
In the meantime, I do want to share one reflection: I have realized that I am more often than not drawn to female teachers and icons. In my own life, the people most influential to me outside of my own family were all women; within Buddhism, some of the most influential dharma teachers I follow are women, in particular Ven. Robina Courtin, whose dharma talk, Let's Get Real, is probably my first recommendation for anyone interested in learning about what Mahayana Buddhism really is on a psychological level.
My main practice is Pure Land Buddhism, which is centered on a male Buddha named Amitabha; the school I follow, Jodo-Shu was dictated by a male Japanese monk named Honen some 800 years ago. But in between my Pure Land studies I gained an affinity for other Mahayana teachings through Ven. Robina et al., which manifested in a practice dedicated to Tara. She's known as a very active, competent, courageous, energetic entity. She is a savior, protector, and destroyer of fear who vowed to always reincarnate as a woman. She also bears close connections to Amitabha.
Another deity associated with Amitabha is Avalokiteśvara, better known by his East Asian, female iteration: Guan Yin. She makes up one third of the Pure Land trio with herself and Mahāsthāmaprāpta as Amitabha Buddha's attendants.
I felt inspired to make this post after watching this video from Sravasti Abbey, an American monastery/abbey lead by the nun Ven. Thubten Chodron.
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looking for a minimalist bearblog theme good for text heavy pages!
I wanna build a new page on my blog for my short stories, poetry, and essays. Looking for a minimalist theme to apply to these specific pages. I've looked around a bit but wanted to see if anyone had any ideas, whether it's a default theme, a theme someone else made, etc. Ty!
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rainbow taskbar
My taskbar is rainbow right now! I couldn't get over it when I noticed lol.
