04-27-26 12:35 AM
01.
i got the job!!1 :)
i got a call last thursday asking if i was free to come check out the route i'd be cleaning. he didn't say the exact words "you have the job"-- me and jem are too autistic to be certain, so i asked some discord friends and they agreed that i have the job lol.
the brief tour was fine. it was trippy as hell being back at my old school. i hadn't been there since i graduated ten years ago.2 there's been loads of renovations and stuff too. it's a lot more bougie than when i was there! i missed out on all the cool new shit.
i'm starting the third week of may. sounds pretty chill and my boss seems like a cool guy. i'm starting at an awkward time, so i'll have a week of normal second shift hours before we switch to a weird day shift schedule they follow during breaks and leading up to summer vacation. after that i'm on summer hours, which is 6am-4pm mon-thurs; i'll have fri-sun off.
full benefits and it's unionized too. only crappy thing is that my probation period ends just as the year resets, so i won't get any vacation time. but after my first year i'll have 2 weeks to use up!
i am nervous but also looking forward to it. the pay increase is going to help a lot too. i feel like i'm almost going to be doing less work with less stress for more money. but i think that is probably more to do with my specific store than the nature of fast food in general.
i just put in my two weeks this past friday. i've been here for 5 years so it's a big change. i'm excited though.
02.
i'm using up some pto so i'll have a week off between jobs. originally my plan was to try and move to a new apartment in that time, but it really isn't financially feasible. like i wouldn't have had enough cash on hand for everything, i'd turn around and start my new job without know where i'm at in the pay cycle, etc. my situation at home rn sucks but it's not as bad anymore. i can rough it out another month or two.
i've felt a weird mix of emotions. i was so stoked about this job, i wanted to carry that momentum forward into moving. now that i'm staying home the wind's been taken out my sails a bit lol. feeling kinda sad again. trying to not let it detract from getting this job, but it's hard.
i'm dealing with a lot of weird family stuff right now and i'm not sure how to move forward. my whole life i've just been one to put up with crap and let things go. lately i've been doing less of that, but i'm still not great at confrontation. it's more like i've just pivoted to a different type of avoidance.
i guess instead of looking at it from a self-critical perspective that leaves me feeling like a coward, i can try viewing it as giving myself space to lessen my stress and maintain my own peace of mind. with family stuff it's hard not to feel obligated to make yourself available, especially if you're a people-pleaser like me. but i'm trying to unlearn that instinct. you can't let other people take priority over your own needs. i guess now i'm just trying to figure out how to return from that self-determined separation without defaulting back to apologies, etc. because then it's just procrastination.
03.
had a crazy shift at work tonight. short-staffed and over-stressed as always. so glad i'm leaving soon.
too tired to really do much tonight. i'm nearly done with the massive blog post about art school that i've been writing for ages, though. just working on a graphic for it.
here's a sneak peek:
ok i opened up krita to export a png of the file and...ended up working on it for an hour lmao. i'm trying to figure out how to frame the composition. i considered using my own art which then lead to me hacking away at it and trying to build off the existing positive/negative space. i kind of hate it but i'm just gonna leave it for now. here's a play-by-play (right click --> open in new tab to view at full-size):
first go. just copied a piece of artwork, rotated it, and lined it up where the edges of the cloud background ended. tried picking edges that had strong lines and colors.
noticed the cloud in the upper right is continued into the artwork's whitespace--this was serendiputious and sponatneous; not conscious on my part.
i wanted to mirror the same dynamic on the left, so i started screwing around in the bottom left beneath the meat grinder.
also extended the branch rightward to add a midground
more screwing around.
felt too dark/enclosed, so i chose a brighter area of the artwork. my logic was that the yellow triangle/white negative space acts as a shadow against the pile of raw meat, to mirror the cloud in the top right.
tried out just having the artwork on the right but it feels too imbalanced
brought it back, but filled in the top so it's all white.
cut out the top part...just looks wonky.
filled it back up and added some black lines to frame/activate the space. still not a fan.
just said fuck it and resized the clouds so it encompasses the whole background lol.
not sure how i feel about any of it, i'm just pissed now haha but i'll sleep on it and come back tomorrow. this might be too ambituous of an addition this late into the collage. it really uppends the whole composition buy bringing in so many foreign colors, textures, etc.
04.
damn lol i wanted to go to bed early-ish tonight but i got sidetracked. ah well. usually whenever i'm stressed i hyper-fixate on shit to decompress. i guess fruitlessly rearranging a digital collage was my coping mechanism tonight.
i'm gonna have a snack then get into bed. reading catch-22 right now. it's one of my fave books ever but i've not read it in years. considering playing ocarina of time again just for something chill to play and also bc i want to write an FTM zelda sheik fic3 lol. i have a lot of thoughts about sheik and trans stuff which i'll elaborate on in a blog post one day. for now here's an old shitpost i made on piclog lol.
niiight <333
✘ Originally posted on — 04/27/26
✘ Main site location — xavierhm.com/notebook/diary/04-27-26_0035