04-23-26 01:48 AM
00. (super special bearblog-exlcusive note!)
hello everyone! i know i haven't been here on bearblog in awhile. i haven't been posting much on my main site, either, but i'm back in the swing of writing/blogging. i also plan on chipping away at the backlog of content i still need to port here to bearblog.
hope everyone's been doing well! happy to be back again :) <3
01.
been going through it lately. i just glanced back at my diary entries, and in nearly all of them i'm either feeling tired, overwhelmed, sad, etc lol.
life's just tough right now. my home life situation is steadily worsening, but i got a chunky tax return that i'm going to put toward moving out. i'm kinda pissed because it would've covered a huge fraction of my debt but it is what it is. basic needs come first, and right now i don't have guaranteed running water sometimes.
i can't wait to have my own place again. i miss having a real kitchen. and a shower that works. and a ceiling that doesn't leak...
i want to start going through my things so i can pack up and move tf out as quickly and efficiently as possible. there's a lot of crap i need to declutter. i want to cut down on my stuff a ton before this move.
i always say i want to be more minimalist, but i really mean it this time. i got rid of a ton of shit before moving back home and i still feel like i have too much crap. there's so many boxes and things i've just let sit and i have no clue what's even in them. it's just stuff that i saw, wanted to keep for the sake of keeping it, and then totally forgot about.
no more of that! if i keep something, i want to either be using it or archiving it for a specific reason. no more just holding onto crap to hold onto it.
i think i'm vying for control right now. i'm also broke as fuck. i need to reshuffle. if i can't change anything and i can't get anything new, i am hoping that getting rid of stuff will give me the same hit of dopamine and satisfaction. i'm going full scorched earth.
02.
i had a job interview yesterday. it went okay...i think. i tried my best. they said they'll let me know either by the end of this week or start of next week. my old high school had a job opening for a custodian position. i haven't been there since i graduated 10 years ago. it pays $18.75/hour with full benefits.
i really need better pay. so if i don't get it i'll just keep looking. i want to try getting out of food service because after a decade, i'm sick of it. but we'll see. beggars can't be choosers.
i've been reflecting lately on jobs and career stuff. for a long time i thought i wanted to go to college, but i didn't. then i thought i had to get a career of some sort, like IT. recently i'm just trying to dig myself out of debt and get into a better material/financial situation. it's made me reflect on wage labor and blue collar stuff. is it so bad to have those types of jobs? why is it considered a failure? confronting these subconscious prejudices have made me feel a lot better and more open to different opportunities.
i'll never work in a factory, though. at least while my dad is alive i guess, and maybe after too--he'd turn in his grave anyway (nevermind the fact he wants cremated and tossed out to sea1). he's worked in factories his whole life, and he always told me to never work in one.
03.
been reading a lot on my kobo libra color. thing is a fucking beast. i just finished the ministry of time by kaliane bradley. i have mixed feelings; i'm writing a blog post about it right now. i also recently picked up the accidental buddhist by dinty w. moore, which i found at a local bookstore. it's a charming personal account from 1995.
i've started getting into lovecraft again. i jumped into his stuff last year (call of cthulhu, the shadow over innsmouth, the whisperer in the darkness) then took a break. i read the color out of space the other day. it was pretty cool. nothing has topped the opening paragraph of call of cthulhu for me, though.
i've also fielded some book recommendations about israel/palestine and zionism from some buddies in a political discord i'm in. i've learned a lot about how zionism has been demonized and what it actually means, which is the right for israel to exist as a jewish state.
it reminds me of how people have misconstrued transmedicalism. it's kind of freaky seeing how easily kids online are especially influenced by these trendy internet politics. i grew up on tumblr during its peak, so i saw a ton of shit and took it onboard just like any impressionable teenager would. it took me years to unlearn that stuff and figure out what my real political opinions are, what was based in fact, and what was exaggerated by 20-something socialist ideologues posting from their macbooks.
i'm seeing it repeat with teenagers today. it's just so easy for stuff online to get misrepresented, and then that misrepresentation becomes fact, and the whole debate is founded on falsehoods.
for israel i'm going to pick up righteous victims by benny morris. i'm also going to read the iron cage by rashid khalidi for a palestine-centered pov. it sounds like these are both good primers. i've got a lot more books i want to read after these two. once i finish them i'll write blog posts for them too.
04.
before jem left we stopped at a local head shop and i got a ton of CDs. probably shouldn't have but they were some good pulls. i think i'm gonna keep going back once or twice a month to find more music.
rn i'm jamming to a collection of bread's greatest hits. i'm gonna make a blog post about thrifting cds, my collection, my stereo, etc at some point.
here's the setup and some bonus pics of marley, who's been napping on my desk the whole time i've been typing this:
05.
i haven't been able to do much work lately, and i feel bad about it. i was busy while jem was here and my home life being what it is makes it difficult to get in the groove and be productive. i'm meeting with my prof tomorrow to try and explain some of this to her. i really want to get back to work but it's tough when life is how it is. i'm thinking i might start going to the library and doing some work there in the study rooms when they're open. ideally i'd love to just go to school but it's quite the drive, and i'm short on gas/money/time atm.
06.
i've been using claude a lot lately. i started out just troubleshooting linux stuff, but man it's a great resource for rubber-ducking. i tried out venting about some personal stuff tonight and i was impressed with how well it relayed the info back to me and helped pull out some stuff i wouldn't have been able to single out on my own.
i'm not about to make claude my therapist or give it all my personal info/life story, but i kinda view it as a journal that can mirror back your inputs and summarize your thoughts, which is honestly a pretty valuable tool.
i've been warming up to ai a lot. i plan on blogging about it. i anticipate getting flamed, but it's whatever.
i don't think ai is perfect or without its flaws and concerns, but i don't vibe with this totally luddite side of the debate. point blank, not using ai is depriving yourself of some pretty cool tools and resources. i've used it to help me troubleshoot, help me with research (not actual info, but finding sources etc), help me with gathering my thoughts, etc. i've even used it as a thesaurus--inputting sentences i've written, and adding a blank space for a word that i can't decide on. like, that's fucking awesome!
like with any tech, ai is chill if you use it mindfully and with purpose. i'll update if i get psychosis i guess lol.
✘ Originally posted on — 04/23/26
✘ Main site location — xavierhm.com/notebook/diary/04-23-26_0148
